Starting Over

I feel like I'm in a rut. In more areas in my life than I care to admit.

I had this amazing plan to be on plan for the entire month of July so that when I went in for my dress fitting I would feel amazing. I wanted the dress to be falling off of me.. That idea lasted maybe a week. I fell off the wagon and hit the ground hard when we went on vacation. I have yet to pick myself back up.

I had this amazing idea to break up with my scale. I was becoming obsessed and decided I needed a break. The plan was to go a total of 3 months without the scale. During this time I was supposed to be watching what I was eating, tracking on My Fitness Pal and exercising all while focusing on how I felt and by appreciating the body I have. This lasted approximately 3 weeks. Granted, I have not become obsessed to the point of weighing myself multiple times yet, but I can feel myself going that direction.

I had this amazing plan for Patrick and I to start eating well and exercising together. I thought that's what we both needed, the support from the other person. We sat down together, made a plan for exercising and went grocery shopping. We lasted three days. That's it. We only exercised once in those three days. We attempted to eat better. We both gave up.

I could sit here and write excuses... Patrick's work schedule made it difficult to work out consistently. The weather outside made it difficult to walk and/or run in the afternoon. I haven't been sleeping well, so waking up early was difficult. Patrick has been working a lot of closing shifts, so I can't go workout because I have Isabel to take care of. There are not enough hours in the day. I'm in the middle of planning our wedding. I have so many things to do around the house. I'll do it tomorrow.

Here's the truth, something I don't really want to hear but need to. Maybe I just don't want it as bad as I think I do... If I wanted to lose weight, if I wanted to eat healthier, if I wanted to tone up then I would be doing it.

I once saw a great quote that said, "If something is important to you, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse."

Here's the thing.. I want all of those things. I want to be healthy, I want to look toned, I want to lose weight. So, for the 18th time, I'm starting over. I deleted my account on My Fitness Pal and will be starting over tomorrow with a new screen name and profile. I will be making the time to work out every day, even if it's just a 20 minute walk. I will be focusing on cutting back on carbs (mainly bread, rice and pasta) except for 2 days before a long run and the day of a long run. I will be allowing myself to make mistakes but also allowing myself to forgive myself. I am way too hard on myself, my own worst critic. I need to find a way to praise myself for the little things, maybe a reward system of sorts.

This self transformation thing is a long process and I need to give myself the time to figure it all out. I cannot expect results right away. I need to have patience and give it time to work.

I also need to work on other areas of my life- financials, home life (especially regarding chores), relationships (especially finding time to have one with Patrick), family (spending more quality time with Isabel), hobbies (allowing myself to spend time doing the things I enjoy doing without feeling guilty about it). I guess maybe I need to work on things as they come.

I'm still a work in progress. I'm just starting back at square one and doing it right this time.

I'm weighing in tomorrow morning and will start posting again weekly with a picture of the scale and my progress. I am going to try to only weigh myself once a week. We'll see how it goes.