Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Writing #1

Topic: "Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving."

For as long as I can remember I've started a relationship by giving the other person a warning. "I'm not perfect. I have flaws and a lot of them." Not once do I tell them the positive things that make me who I am.

I don't tell them about my successes as a single mother, I tell them about the struggles. I don't tell them about my passion for photography, in fact I can't remember the last time I showed anyone my work. I don't tell them about my most recent accomplishment of completing the LA Marathon, instead I explain how it was my sisters goal and I did it with her to support her. As if all the training and crossing the same finish line at the same time means something more for her. And I don't tell them about my excitement of being engaged and my quickly approaching wedding date, instead I openly question his decision of picking me.

If I choose to only show my negative characteristics, my imperfections, then I am giving that person an out, a reason to not stay, a reason to not love me. If I choose to not show people the qualities that make me who I really am, the good things that I should be proud of, then I won't be hurt or disappointed when they choose to walk away. It is my goal to make myself appear to be unlovable because... I fear love.

Doing this has caused me to build massive walls around my heart. Even though I'm the one afraid of being walked away from, it is me that has blocked these people from knowing the real me and I've pushed them away by showing them who I want them to see. And yet I still blame them for hurting me.

Another problem is that I've made myself appear to be unworthy of love and I've said these things so many times that I believe they are true.

From the beginning I never claim to be perfect and I don't intend to start, but maybe I need to start giving myself more praise for my positive qualities. Maybe I need to feel vulnerable. Maybe I need to accept love. I'm not perfect but I do deserve to be loved. Most of all I need to love myself. Because how can I accept love from another person, how can I give my love to another person, if I can't love myself?

1 comment:

  1. You DO deserve to be loved! Congratulations on putting everything out there so soon in the game. Keep it up and you will definitely go far!