Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Still Grieving...

The following can also be found here.

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":

7 Stages of Grief...
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

I truly thought that after saying our goodbyes this past Sunday that I would begin to feel different about Sid's death. I thought that I was waiting for closure. Waiting two months to say goodbye seemed like a ridiculous amount of time to wait and I felt I was holding out for something more.
And yet I haven't moved on from feeling shocked that he's gone. It hits me like a ton of bricks when I least expect it. I've thought about him every single day since we received the news and have cried so many tears over it. I've cried out of sadness, out of anger, out of wishing I had made more of an effort to spend more time with him. I've cried while thinking that I'd give a lot to have him back, even just for one day so that he could be told that he was so deeply cared for by so many people.

The reason the service was postponed so many times was because it is required that the mortuary spend a certain amount of time searching for any living relatives. Unfortunately, Sid did not have any. And yet, while sitting at the service, everywhere you looked you could see family. He had so many people that he called a friend, so many people that cared about him that he didn't need relatives to have family.

I know from past experiences with death that I do not take it well. I cannot be consoled and told that he's in a better place when I'm selfish and want him here. I cannot be told that he's happier because he's with his mom (whom he loved so much) because I do not know that as a fact even though I want to believe it with everything that I have.

I know that death can be used as a reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. I am trying to start to incorporate that more into my daily life, taking Thanksgiving as a good time to let people know that I am thankful for them. My sister and her husband have also lost quite a few people this year due to tragic situations and we all are so grateful that we have each other and find it's important to let them know because you just never know when you might lose someone.

I feel like I'm starting to ramble. So I'll end here. I'm hoping that some time soon I can stop feeling so sad and begin to remember the memories of Sid that can make me smile, even laugh. His service was filled with laughter as people stood up and told stories of Sid and his comedic sense of humor. For me, I will always be thankful to him for Patrick because if it wasn't for Sid, Patrick and I would have never met.

Someone at the service said, "No matter how much time you have with a loved one, it will never be long enough." So, so true..

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss, but you're right - death can be a great opportunity to remind us how short life is, and how we should love the people we love with as much as we can. Let them know how we feel WHENEVER we feel it, because you'll never regret that.