I posted on Monday about how I was going to start over with My Fitness Pal.
That lasted a whole 8 hours, if that.
I did really well while I was at work and then failed epically when I remembered I had trail mix in my car. I was slightly hungry, not starving (I could have waited until dinner) but that hungry feeling was present and I couldn't get it to just shut up..
So I ate trail mix. Then I ate some more. Then I found a bag of chocolate, including peanut butter cups and rolos. Then I said eff it and just went to town. Then deleted my post because I was so ashamed.
Then last night, after my second helping of dinner, I sat down with an empty journal that I was considering selling at our garage sale in December. I started writing. This is what came out:
"Somethings gotta give. I'm at that point. I want something, but I don't quite want it bad enough to do anything about it. It basically comes down to my lack of self control and my amazing ability to come up with an excuse for anything and everything.
So, what do I want more? Do I want to eat better and start working out in order to lose weight and become healthier, or do I want to continue this pattern of unhealthy eating inevitable reaching a point of unhappiness and at some point a need to buy bigger clothes?
I know the answer to that question. Yet I cannot find the motivation to start. And when I do start I cannot find the self control to last more than a day.
I did have motivation at one point, but that left and I can honestly say that I don't know if/when it will return. It's so much easier with the motivation too, of course, which is why without the motivation it makes i to much easier to make excuses.
Maybe I'm just expecting to change too much at once. Maybe changing my eating habits and training for half marathons and incorporating workout DVDs into my daily life is just too much. I tend to do that, whether I have motivation or not. I make big plans, get burnt out and eventually I quit.
I need to find a balance to do all three. That's the only way it's going to work. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.
And then of course controlling my self control.
I don't expect things to change overnight. I never have. Yes, it's frustrating to gain weight quickly and then have it take so long to take it off, but I know this is a lifestyle change. It's a work in progress and it will take time to make it a habit and to make the changes last.
I have a bad habit of saying "I'll start over (fill in the blank)." I tend to start over the next Monday and then I'll go overboard up until that point. I also have a bad habit of eating well during the weekdays for breakfast and lunch, then going overboard at dinner and way overboard on weekends.
Why do I make it so much more difficult than it needs to be? Why can't someone just tell me what to eat and when and what workouts to do? Oh, right. Because this is real life..
Okay, so then what's the plan? To be honest, I have no idea. That's part of why I'm so frustrated. I want results but I don't know how to get there and if I'm being honest, I don't want to put in the work.
That's pretty lazy of me. Especially since I know I have to do the work to get results.
I still don't have a plan, but I'm sure something will happen. It has to.."
I weighed in on Monday at 171. Since then I have peeked and the scale is going down. So many me starting small by packing my breakfast, lunch and snacks is making progress. Maybe I should stick with this for now and in a week or so add something else, like a workout or two during the week and continue that way for awhile.
I'm hoping at some point it's all going to click and everything will fit into place.