Holding Myself Accountable. Weigh In- Vol. 1

I told myself that I needed to buy a scale. In order to make progress, I need to know where I'm starting from. So while out working on our registry at Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend, I decided to bite the bullet and buy a scale.

I wasn't thrilled with what I saw the first time I weighed in (Friday night). I also wasn't thrilled the second time I weighed in (Saturday morning). But my official weigh in Monday morning is the weight I'm sticking to and my current starting point.

I decided to make my weigh-in day Monday morning because I believe that it will help hold me accountable for the entire weekend.

I'm not quite sure what my end weight goal is going to be for a few reasons:
1. I'm already at a weight that is a "healthy" weight for my height.
2. I'm still training, so the weight isn't going to come off as easy when I'm dedicated to running and still trying to find that balance.
3. I'm starting a new program (Spark People) and starting to track calories instead of points like I was used to on Weight Watchers.
4. I know what weight I would like to be ideally, but I don't think it's a realistic weight to try to maintain.
5. I want to be less concerned with a number and more concerned with what I'm eating, how I feel and how my clothes fit.

I have decided that I will be taking a picture and posting in Monday mornings in order to stay accountable. It's not something I want to do, more something I need to do in order to keep tracking and hopefully to see progress of my weight going down.

So here it is... Weigh-in #1.
Weight:

Before shots:

Mammoth 2011

My family and I have gone to Mammoth for our family vacation almost every year since I can remember. There have been a few summer's here and there that we didn't get to go, but it's one of my go-to memories when I think of my family.

The following are just a few photographic reasons why I love Mammoth during the summer. For certain personal reasons, I could not include all family photo's.

Our 2012 family vacation to Mammoth is at the end of July. I cannot wait to go with my camera and take some more pictures! I just feel "home" when I'm here.

Devil's Postpile

Rainbow Falls

Rachel and me horseback riding

Twin Lakes

After the gondola ride, at the top of Mammoth Mountain

My dad and I usually go fishing at Lake Mary or at our secret spot. I haven't gone fishing with him in a few years, but I fully intend to go with him this year and catch a bigger fish than he does!

Tie-Dye Cupcakes

The first time I made tie-dye cupcakes was this past Easter. My mom put me in charge of dessert and had found a recipe for tie-dye cupcakes in the April edition of Cooking Light magazine. The recipe can also be found at www.Jello.com/Recipes.

Ingredients:

1 pkg white cake mix
1/4 cup dry JELL-O Lemon Flavor Gelatin
1/4 cup dry JELL-O Lime Flavor Gelatin
1/4 cup dry JELL-O Strawberry Flavor Gelatin
Frosting

Prepare cake batter as directed on package.

Divide evenly into 3 bowls. Stir different flavor dry gelatin mix into batter in each bowl.

 Alternately spoon batter into 24 paper-lined muffin cups 2 Tbsp. at a time until full.

(The cupcakes above were more "tie-dye" while the ones below were more layered.)



Bake as directed on package of cupcakes. Cool completely.

 Spread with frosting.

Enjoy.

I've made these a couple times since then, but I have not tried them again with Jell-o. Instead I've used food coloring. The photo's below are from last night. We are having a Cinco de Mayo potluck at work and I decided to make the layered cupcakes using red and green food dye to look like the Mexican flag. 

     

                                                                                



Making tie-dye cupcakes has become my new passion. I love the endless possibilities and all the different colors you can do. Plus, who doesn't love cupcakes?

Happy early Cinco de Mayo everyone!

May Goals

Inspired by a fellow blogger (and only 3 days late) I have decided to write down my goals for May in an attempt to hold my self accountable and accomplish them.

The following are the 5 things I'd like to do in the month of May. An update will be given at the end of the month along with a new set of goals for June.

1. Buy a scale, weigh in and accept it- no matter what.
2. Walk and/or run 100 miles.
3. Start my photography portfolio.
4. Complete Bucket List item #39: Complete a cross-stitch.
5. Make a workout schedule weekly and stick to it.

Writing #2

Today's Reminder: "Today I will share honestly about something that has been nagging at me. My life deserves my attention."

I recently allowed myself to speak openly and honestly about something that was bothering me. I spoke about it with the person who had emotionally hurt me (instead of venting about it to other people like I normally do, expecting results) and I did it in a safe place. I said my peace and gave this person the opportunity to make theirs.

I promised myself that as soon as I received an explanation for the words said that I would let it go. I had already accepted numerous apologies but without a reason I couldn't actually forgive. Once this person was honest, not just with me, but with themselves, I was able to finally forgive and finally able to let it go.

This experience, although rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things, really was a learning experience and an important first step in learning how to respect myself. If I am able to be open and honest about my feelings, then nobody has any right to say anything. No one can tell me how I feel or how I should feel unless I allow them to.

No matter how significant or insignificant something may be, if it's something that is nagging me, then maybe it's something worth opening up and talking about. Once it's out in the open then all that's left is dealing with it, learning from it and then letting it go.

Without giving my life, my feelings, my attention I am only giving other people permission to do the same. I am telling them I am not worth their attention either. I end up pushing my feelings down and I ignore them until they inappropriately appear, usually in the form of anger over something so small and unnecessary. That's not fair to anyone involved. I'm slowly realizing that it's especially not fair to me.

If I respect myself by talking about things that bother me, the I'm setting the standard for everyone else to do the same. I deserve respect, both from myself and from other people.

Mad Libs

I found this website online today and got a little distracted... http://www.madglibs.com/index.php
Kind of silly but it was also fun to go back for a bit to being a kid. Who knew that such a fun game could actually help kids learn grammar! We never used it to learn though. When we were kids we were rather inappropriate when entering words... The following is the mad lib I created. It's okay, I've matured since then.

500 Miles (The Proclaimers) Mad Lib
When I flutter yeah I know I`m gonna be
I`m gonna be the cat who peeps next to you
When I go out yeah I know I`m gonna followI`m gonna follow the cat who goes along with you

If I get lovely yes I know I`m gonna be
I`m gonna be the cat who gets lovely next to you
And if I probe yeah I know I`m gonna be
I`m gonna be the cat who`s catapulting to you

But I would gravitate 500 miles
And I would gravitate 500 more
Just to be the cat who pictured 27 miles
To fall down at your desert
When I`m working yes I know I`m gonna skipI`m gonna skip the snake who`s working absent for you
And when the boxes comes in for the work I`ll do
I`ll pass almost every bulldozer on to you

When I come home yeah I know I`m gonna be
I`m gonna be the snake who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I`m gonna grabI`m gonna grab the snake who`s growing old with you

But I would gravitate 500 miles
And I would gravitate 500 more
Just to be the snake who smeared 27 miles
To fall down at your bath
When I`m bold yes I know I`m gonna be
I`m gonna be the dog whose bold without TracyWhen I`m bonding yes I know I`m gonna assign
assign about the time when I`m with Tracy.

But I would gravitate 500 miles
And I would gravitate 500 more
Just to be the dog who declined 27 miles
To fall down at your cashew

Writing #1

Topic: "Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving."

For as long as I can remember I've started a relationship by giving the other person a warning. "I'm not perfect. I have flaws and a lot of them." Not once do I tell them the positive things that make me who I am.

I don't tell them about my successes as a single mother, I tell them about the struggles. I don't tell them about my passion for photography, in fact I can't remember the last time I showed anyone my work. I don't tell them about my most recent accomplishment of completing the LA Marathon, instead I explain how it was my sisters goal and I did it with her to support her. As if all the training and crossing the same finish line at the same time means something more for her. And I don't tell them about my excitement of being engaged and my quickly approaching wedding date, instead I openly question his decision of picking me.

If I choose to only show my negative characteristics, my imperfections, then I am giving that person an out, a reason to not stay, a reason to not love me. If I choose to not show people the qualities that make me who I really am, the good things that I should be proud of, then I won't be hurt or disappointed when they choose to walk away. It is my goal to make myself appear to be unlovable because... I fear love.

Doing this has caused me to build massive walls around my heart. Even though I'm the one afraid of being walked away from, it is me that has blocked these people from knowing the real me and I've pushed them away by showing them who I want them to see. And yet I still blame them for hurting me.

Another problem is that I've made myself appear to be unworthy of love and I've said these things so many times that I believe they are true.

From the beginning I never claim to be perfect and I don't intend to start, but maybe I need to start giving myself more praise for my positive qualities. Maybe I need to feel vulnerable. Maybe I need to accept love. I'm not perfect but I do deserve to be loved. Most of all I need to love myself. Because how can I accept love from another person, how can I give my love to another person, if I can't love myself?